A friend in need is friend indeed: How scammers exploit social norms

We all have had our email hacked at least once.  When my email was compromised, my scammer/hacker did little more than spam my friends with adverts for electronic goods with a personalised message from (supposedly) me, saying that I just bought this amazing stereo system and my friends should use the link to do the same, at a reduced price.  Knowing me too well (I would never brag about a stereo system like I would do about a Mulberry handbag or a nice scarf), my friends alerted me quickly.  I changed the password for that email and that was the end of my advertising. However, some hacking is not so innocent.  Scammers can be sophisticated, often combining several persuasion techniques to get you to send them money, and not small amounts either. What can start with a simple password hacking can quickly turn into sophisticated persuasion technique and I will explain how. 

We are all brought up to be nice to others and help our friends and family.  Society as a whole is built on those fundamental unspoken rules and this is ingrained in us. We help our friends and family and they help us, when in need. Scammers know this. They also know that, where one would usually be suspicious to get an email from a stranger, asking for money, they would be less cautious if that email came from a friend.

Humans are social beings. Our lives are built on helping those we care about.

The scam usually consists of an email from your friend (whose email has been compromised), or a person that you know well, telling you they have been stranded on holiday, their possessions stolen and they need some money to get new passports and to get home. Naturally, you are horrified and consider helping. They tell you to wire money to them via Western Union in a particular country to help them get their affairs in order. If you do, money is lost forever and there is little anyone can do for you.  Research found that phishing emails are much more successful when coming from a friend than a stranger, which means that if a scammer invests a bit of time to research things about you before launching a phishing attack, they will be way more successful in attaining funds. Since this is costly to the perpetrator, amounts are usually considerable. This type of scam can be perpetrated via phone, email or social media.

If you ever get an email from a close friend asking for help, if you can, give them a call instead to check the facts first, even when the email tells you they cannot be reached. If you cannot get hold of them, you could respond to the email expressing your concern but also asking a random question such as " how is your son coping?' - when you know that this particular friend doesn't have a son.  Chances are that the scammer will not know this and will respond saying that the son is distressed etc.  Or something similar.  If it is a genuine request by a friend, they won't mind and you will get a warning sign if it is not a genuine friend of yours.  It is also good to let your friend know by some other means that their account has been compromised and urge them to change passwords connected to that email.  This also means passwords connected to any social media that they use with the email in question, just to be sure. 

Phishing emails are usually obvious but every now and again, they can surprise you. Using social component of our lives against us makes them that much more convincing. We trust our friends where we would never trust a stranger, which can be turned against us. Trust is good. It’s an integral part of social relationships, allowing us to make bonds with people we care about. But in this day and age, it can also be our downfall. Trust but verify.

Grooming techniques in fraud

In the olden days when scammers relied on selling you something, an overpriced double glazing or a miracle product, they were usually easily spotted due to their fake smiles, polished suits and a skill, not unlike that of a python, of being able to squeeze every last penny out of you.  They were ruthless, arrogant, forceful, and it was easier to spot the warning signs of being scammed.  We have all heard scary stories about window salesmen who refused to leave your home hours after they have given you a quote for the new windows and you told them you would like them to leave at least 50 times.  But what people don’t realise is that modern scammers have evolved. They are no longer forceful or arrogant and they often address our needs. Hope of a large investment on your pension savings, hope of finding your one true love, hope of a miracle oil that will help your loved one battle cancer when their oncologist has run out of hope or hope of buying a time share apartment that will bring you nothing less but a secure income in old age. Scammers have become slick, smart, calculated, embracing innovation and using psychology to get the victims to comply.  

For example, research into dating scams found that scammers invest hours upon hours of communication with their victims. Sometimes lasting several months and sometimes very intense communication, which helps to cultivate an interpersonal relationship between a victim and a scammer, which is hard to override.  Frequently they send gifts in the beginning too, making the relationship seem genuine and loving, even to victim’s friends and family. The more the victim communicates with the scammer, the easier it becomes for the scammer to get what they want in the end.  And before the blame is placed on the victims being gullible, let me explain how this exchange might work.  

Fraud victims are often groomed, sometimes for months

As children we were brought up to share, be nice and return favours.  These are simple societal rules that help us nurture relationships we have with others.  When a stranger asks us to give them money out of the blue, we have no problem saying no.  But when a friend asks, especially if they have done us favours in the past, we will feel obliged to help them.  It’s known as reciprocity and it’s ingrained in us. Those that don’t observe this rule are thought of as selfish or uncivilised.  Reciprocity rule is a strong evolutionary tool which helped us survive, form bonds, keep friends… but it is also a powerful tool for a scammer and is a known scam technique. Scammers, and this is especially true of dating scams in which women are victims, often send small presents to their victims, flowers, perfume, small tokens of love. This ensures that somewhere down the line, the victim feels bad about not reciprocating. In dating scams, the usual technique is for scammers to claim to be in different countries as doctors or soldiers. When they eventually ask for money for an operation or the plane ticket or a solicitor or some other worthy cause, the lengthy communication, the attention, the gifts that the victim received will make them feel obliged to help the scammer even if they feel uncomfortable about it. This is because we have been pre programmed to return kindness.

Scammers can groom victims in many ways. For example, some financial scams perpetrated over the phone would use grooming techniques. A scammer would typically call the victim daily and befriend them, even sharing details of their lives (usually mimicking victim’s circumstances, beliefs or likes). This not only fosters trust between a victim and a perpetrator but also makes it difficult for the victim to report the crime once they start to suspect something is wrong, because they feel guilty. This means that the scammer can go on scamming more people in the meantime. Often, scammers will also ask the victim to keep the transaction or a relationship a secret. This also plays into their hands and avoids detection.

It is often difficult to detach yourself once you are involved in a pattern but if you suspect you might be groomed by a scammer, talk to your friends and family about it, ask for help and search online for fraud advice which may make things clearer and make it easier to report fraud.

Do you suffer from a lack of 'NO'

Do you have difficulty saying no to people?  Especially if they are assertive and forceful?  You are not alone.  I will explain how scammers exploit our inability to say no in more ways than one. 

Some people have difficulty saying firm 'NO' to people that are forceful, whereas some get rebellious when they encounter those with arrogant or forceful personalities.  If you recognise yourself as someone who has difficulty with strong personalities, you may be vulnerable to specific scam techniques, especially when the scam is executed face to face.  Scammers look for victims that are going to comply and often can tell within a few seconds of meeting you, whether you are likely to be a victim.  If you find confrontations uncomfortable and have been known to go along with things that you don't want to do when people assert themselves over you, then you are particularly vulnerable to forceful scam techniques employed by scammers that usually target people door to door.  Often we are brought up to be polite and saying no somehow registers as being rude, especially if we feel that we have wasted someone's time.  This is why double glazing salesmen come to your home for 3 hour demonstration; after 3 hours you are likely to feel guilty you wasted their time, despite the fact you don't owe them anything and it is up to them how long they take demonstrating.  Many people have difficulties saying no for this reason.  So what can you do about it?  First of all, it is good to be aware of individual vulnerability and look for ways of adapting to avoid situations that would lead to compliance with unwanted purchases/deals.  

Saying no can feel like being rude or disrespectful.

It’s not.

1. Practice saying 'no, thank you'.  It is perfectly OK to say no to people.  If they are selling something and spent time telling you about it, don't feel guilty as this is their job.  You only need to decide if you want what they are selling.   

2. Understand that this will make you vulnerable to similar things forever and think of ways of getting out of situations that force you to feel uncomfortable.  One of the people I spoke to that had a similar problem told me that he lies to people in such situations, telling them he has no money at present.  You can also say you need someone else to make a decision before going ahead.  If the salesmen mocks you for wanting to run a decision past someone first, please be aware this is also a persuasion technique and don't give in.  Who cares what a random stranger selling you something thinks of you.  

3. Another thing you can do is to tell them to come back when someone else is with you.  This is not a no, it is more 'not now'.  Genuine salesmen will respect this and come back another time.  Ask them to make a solid appointment or give you the number to call to make an appointment when you arrange with a friend/family member to be present.  

If you think that only people who have difficulty with pushy scammers are vulnerable, think again.  Even if you react to forceful and aggressive people pushing you to do something you don't want to do, you can still be caught out by inability to say no, but it will be more subliminal. 

We tend to comply more when a person before us is affable, likeable or appears to be similar to us.  This is how scammers get our trust quickly.  In the absence of any solid experience with the person in front of us, our brain will make short cuts and concentrates on certain features; attire, politeness and so on.  We all make judgements on daily basis and often these judgments need to be quick, therefore they are based on our previous experience.  For example; if you dealt with a person of a certain religion, race and so on and you had good experience, it is likely that you will assign that good experience to a whole religion or race until you get a different experience.  Same with people who seem similar to us in some way.  Scammers often impersonate their victims for this reason; they may say they grew up locally, know someone from the country you are from and so on.  They may ask you questions about your life style and tell you they feel the same about certain things you tell them.  All of this will make you like them more and the more you like them, the less able you will be to say no when they make a request for a payment.  So what can you do in such situations? 

1. Understand that saying no to someone who is trying to sell you something is not the same as saying no to someone who helped you many times before and is an established friend.  You don't owe them anything, even if you feel that you do, this is just psychology.  

2. Be extra careful if someone you are dealing with (where large sums of money are involved or where someone asks you for money) seem to be 'your kind of person' or seems to click with you, especially in a short time frame.  This is especially true of romance scammers - they will often be great listeners and the more you tell them about what you need/want, they more they will appear to be just what you are looking for.  You can lie and say you have no money just now.  Or talk it over with friends and family to get a non biased opinion, but also listen to their opinion.  Many people disregard their friends or family's opinion.  As they say... two heads are better than one.  It really is true. 

3.  A truly nice salesman will always be as friendly the next day or next week.  Make a rule to never do anything in the moment.  Come back tomorrow or arrange another meeting if you really want the product.  Use the time to think about the product/investment away from the person selling it.  When you separate the two, you may realise that you liked the product because you actually liked the person selling it.  

And always, use the time away to check the facts in every possible way before you commit to parting with your money.